| Description | An interview with Helen DONAGHY, a Separated woman with two adopted daughters, who is a Mother/reflexologist, born in Birmingham and now living in Birmingham. Helen DONAGHY’s father was a Bus driver, born in Ireland and her mother a Housewife born in Ireland. In the interview, she talks about …
'DONAGHY, Helen MS2255/2/143 Logged by Simon Cotterill
01
Born in January 1965. Born at home, nearly died. Fourth child of six children. Earliest memory is taking tomatoes from kitchen to feed to a rabbit. Hating strangers. Lived in a three bedroom semi-detached house.
1.34 'For six children and two adults and various other hangers-on it wasn't particularly big'.
02
Living in Kings Heath. Very busy road. Strong memory of people from buses staring into the house.
03
Both parents came over from Ireland aged 17. Mum was one of 14 children. Mum's dad was very violent.
33" Mum still has happy memories of growing up. Hostility to Irish people.
54" 'It used to amuse my mum that they'd go to boarding houses that would say no dogs, no Irish… she used to think that it was hysterical that people could be so pathetic'.
04
Father's alcoholism.
22" 'He'd be missing for hours on end, he wouldn't come home from work, and when he came home he'd be very angry'.
Reaction to Irish people after pub bombings.
49" 'We're all tarred with the same brush'.
05
Growing up in strong close-knit Irish community. Getting teased at school about alcoholic father.
06
Going to Catholic schools - St. Dunstan's Junior School and Bishop Challenor Secondary School. Attending mass at St. Dunstan's.
30" 'Some of my most depressing memories are of nights out at St.Dunstan's community centre'.
07
Sense of Irish identity, although born and brought up in England. Major influences in life.
08
Memories of Junior school. Had a teacher who she believed to be a paedophile.
44" 'because it was the 70s it wasn't acknowledged at all'.
The man is still teaching now.
1.11 'Its unfortunate that we didn't feel empowered enough to say anything at the time'.
Memories of secondary school.
09
Effects of disrupted family life on grades at school.
38" 'I remember sitting in a lesson one day and the bell went and I hadn't moved or done any work'.
Used to help out at home when she should have been revising.
1.50 'I look back and think I wish I'd been more selfish'.
10
Social life outside school. Going to the cinema. Bringing first boyfriend home at age 15.
1.01 'I was quite surprised I was allowed a boyfriend with my parents being such
strong Catholics'.
First date.
11
Going to the cinema.
54" 'It would happen regularly that there'd be a bomb scare during the film'.
12
First mixed race children coming to school.
40" 'They were a bit of a novelty which must have been awful for them, but they were very well liked'.
By 1981, leaving secondary school, 10% of children were non-white. Mainly black. Only a handful of Asian children.
13
Extended family. Having lots of cousins sprinkled around Hockley, Great Barr, and Acocks Green. Having one cousin who was posh, and very separated from the family.
1.48 'Somehow there was a difference between the English working class and the Irish working class, it may sound strange but we felt superior'.
Irish working class being more well spoken. Loving to visit Ireland.
14
Leaving home when school finished. Taking a job as a nanny at age 16. Losing contact with friends. At age 17 taking a new nanny job.
15
Relationships. Age 18 - Second boy friend was a student from Birmingham University. Met on the way back from The Shamrock Club, Hurst Street. First sexual relationship.
1.32 'I was never really happy about it because I'd had this guilt drummed into me from such an early age'.
Guilt about having sex.
16
Experience of going out with somebody who was English. His dad worked for the Secret Service.
44" 'He was your stereotypical English man with a pipe and slippers … I remember thinking wow! People actually drink ovaltine'.
17
Having a very insecure early working life.
18
Working for an orthodox Jewish family.
29" 'I was fascinated by the orthodox Jewish religion. It was so complicated preparing a meal in their kitchen'.
1.02 'I thought we had a hard time as Catholics'.
Working for a Swedish family in London. Going to live in Sweden for six months.
19
Moved back to Birmingham in 1987. Got a job working for charity Rathbone. Becoming a team leader. Developing leadership skills. Going to work in school for autistic adolescents.
20
Autistic school in Harborne only took severe cases.
1.10 'It did become very wearing'.
Meeting husband.
21
The person she was living with when she met her husband. Reaction from parents to living with somebody when unmarried.
1.03 'I remember my mum saying 'do you really want to do this, are you sure?
Are you sure? How many bedrooms are there in the flat?''
22
1989 - met husband. Started going out together on Valentine's Day, 1990. He had an abusive childhood.
1992 - Got married. Very happy day. He was a Catholic, son of a Catholic Scot and a Catholic Jamaican. Worrying about parent's reaction towards marrying a mixed-race person.
23
Had large Catholic wedding at St. Dunstan's.
11" 'I was really doing it for my mum…I felt like I needed to do it properly'.
Moving to work at a children's home. Trying to have a baby. Husband having fertility problems.
1.20 'It was so distressing because we both so desperately wanted a baby. We felt so sure that it would happen that when it didn't we felt so shocked and so cheated'.
Met a two year old girl called Juanita who was due to be adopted by another couple. The social services decided that the couple were not suitable parents. Three months later adopted her.
3.44 'Must have been the fastest assessment ever '.
24
October 1994 - Juanita moves in at age three and a half. She had had seven homes.
25
Juanita never stopped talking and moving.
30" 'There was so much pain going on inside that she wouldn't allow herself to feel it'.
Juanita being mistreated in her last foster home.
2.38 'She very much felt that she had been rescued by us'.
Juanita kept asking for a sibling. Applying for another child.
26
Another girl comes to live. She is mixed-race, 19 months old and has also been in foster homes since birth. New child resents Juanita and doesn't allow new father to take parental role.
27
August 1996 - legally adopted Maia. Have her Christened. Move to live in Glastonbury. Reluctantly leaving Birmingham because husband wanted to.
13" 'We lived in Smethwick and it was quite rough'.
1.13 - 1st November 1996 - Husband started a new job. Out of the blue says he is leaving.
28
Reasons for moving to Glastonbury. The trauma for the children of the father leaving. Children's behaviour became almost unmanageable. Finding this time almost unbearable.
2.37" 'I think what saved me was having counselling'. Was only charged £5 per session.
29
Juanita's first day at school in Glastonbury.
8" 'Mummy where are all the black people ?'.
Moving back to Birmingham.
30
False Start
31
1st March 1997 - 'moving back to Birmingham was hysterical'. First time using removal men. Left settee behind. Moved into a house in Northfield owned by sister-in-law, rent free. Juanita went to school in Moseley, but had to move to Kings Heath school because she was being bullied. Meeting a woman who came from a very similar background and becoming close friends. Problems with council housing when moving from Northfield.
32
Find house in Balsall Heath. Closest friend's daughter had heart surgery that went horribly wrong.
1.24 'Going through the infertility, going through the adoption assessments, having these two children come to live with us, the break-up of my marriage, moving back to Birmingham, being made homeless once, being in the same position again I just felt as if I had no fight left'.
Becoming ill - virus in brain. Getting flat in Moseley.
33
Children becoming more stable and feeling more secure. Maia becoming more happy within herself. Maia beginning to ask questions about her birth mother. Juanita thinking about her birth.
34
Wanting the children to have a period of stability before looking for their birth families.
35
Living on benefits.
20" 'A position I would never have imagined myself to be in'.
Being in a situation that would allow time to work.
48" 'I firmly believe that if a mother doesn't want to work she shouldn't have to'.
Since husband leaving finding herself in a much lower social situation. People constantly looking down at a single mother who doesn't work.
2.29 'No one ever said 'Well done for staying at home with your children''.
Having a lot of self-respect.
36
Advantages of not going back to work. Studying a course in counselling skills and then a course in reflexology. Meeting lots of people who are interested in alternative lifestyles. Not wanting children to have any extra carers. Staying at home as long as she feels the children still need her.
2.23 'and I don't really care what society thinks'.
DONAGHY, Helen MS2255/2/143 Logged by Simon Cotterill
01
Born in January 1965. Born at home, nearly died. Fourth child of six children. Earliest memory is taking tomatoes from kitchen to feed to a rabbit. Hating strangers. Lived in a three bedroom semi-detached house.
1.34 'For six children and two adults and various other hangers-on it wasn't particularly big'.
02
Living in Kings Heath. Very busy road. Strong memory of people from buses staring into the house.
03
Both parents came over from Ireland aged 17. Mum was one of 14 children. Mum's dad was very violent.
33" Mum still has happy memories of growing up. Hostility to Irish people.
54" 'It used to amuse my mum that they'd go to boarding houses that would say no dogs, no Irish… she used to think that it was hysterical that people could be so pathetic'.
04
Father's alcoholism.
22" 'He'd be missing for hours on end, he wouldn't come home from work, and when he came home he'd be very angry'.
Reaction to Irish people after pub bombings.
49" 'We're all tarred with the same brush'.
05
Growing up in strong close-knit Irish community. Getting teased at school about alcoholic father.
06
Going to Catholic schools - St. Dunstan's Junior School and Bishop Challenor Secondary School. Attending mass at St. Dunstan's.
30" 'Some of my most depressing memories are of nights out at St.Dunstan's community centre'.
07
Sense of Irish identity, although born and brought up in England. Major influences in life.
08
Memories of Junior school. Had a teacher who she believed to be a paedophile.
44" 'because it was the 70s it wasn't acknowledged at all'.
The man is still teaching now.
1.11 'Its unfortunate that we didn't feel empowered enough to say anything at the time'.
Memories of secondary school.
09
Effects of disrupted family life on grades at school.
38" 'I remember sitting in a lesson one day and the bell went and I hadn't moved or done any work'.
Used to help out at home when she should have been revising.
1.50 'I look back and think I wish I'd been more selfish'.
10
Social life outside school. Going to the cinema. Bringing first boyfriend home at age 15.
1.01 'I was quite surprised I was allowed a boyfriend with my parents being such
strong Catholics'.
First date.
11
Going to the cinema.
54" 'It would happen regularly that there'd be a bomb scare during the film'.
12
First mixed race children coming to school.
40" 'They were a bit of a novelty which must have been awful for them, but they were very well liked'.
By 1981, leaving secondary school, 10% of children were non-white. Mainly black. Only a handful of Asian children.
13
Extended family. Having lots of cousins sprinkled around Hockley, Great Barr, and Acocks Green. Having one cousin who was posh, and very separated from the family.
1.48 'Somehow there was a difference between the English working class and the Irish working class, it may sound strange but we felt superior'.
Irish working class being more well spoken. Loving to visit Ireland.
14
Leaving home when school finished. Taking a job as a nanny at age 16. Losing contact with friends. At age 17 taking a new nanny job.
15
Relationships. Age 18 - Second boy friend was a student from Birmingham University. Met on the way back from The Shamrock Club, Hurst Street. First sexual relationship.
1.32 'I was never really happy about it because I'd had this guilt drummed into me from such an early age'.
Guilt about having sex.
16
Experience of going out with somebody who was English. His dad worked for the Secret Service.
44" 'He was your stereotypical English man with a pipe and slippers … I remember thinking wow! People actually drink ovaltine'.
17
Having a very insecure early working life.
18
Working for an orthodox Jewish family.
29" 'I was fascinated by the orthodox Jewish religion. It was so complicated preparing a meal in their kitchen'.
1.02 'I thought we had a hard time as Catholics'.
Working for a Swedish family in London. Going to live in Sweden for six months.
19
Moved back to Birmingham in 1987. Got a job working for charity Rathbone. Becoming a team leader. Developing leadership skills. Going to work in school for autistic adolescents.
20
Autistic school in Harborne only took severe cases.
1.10 'It did become very wearing'.
Meeting husband.
21
The person she was living with when she met her husband. Reaction from parents to living with somebody when unmarried.
1.03 'I remember my mum saying 'do you really want to do this, are you sure?
Are you sure? How many bedrooms are there in the flat?''
22
1989 - met husband. Started going out together on Valentine's Day, 1990. He had an abusive childhood.
1992 - Got married. Very happy day. He was a Catholic, son of a Catholic Scot and a Catholic Jamaican. Worrying about parent's reaction towards marrying a mixed-race person.
23
Had large Catholic wedding at St. Dunstan's.
11" 'I was really doing it for my mum…I felt like I needed to do it properly'.
Moving to work at a children's home. Trying to have a baby. Husband having fertility problems.
1.20 'It was so distressing because we both so desperately wanted a baby. We felt so sure that it would happen that when it didn't we felt so shocked and so cheated'.
Met a two year old girl called Juanita who was due to be adopted by another couple. The social services decided that the couple were not suitable parents. Three months later adopted her.
3.44 'Must have been the fastest assessment ever '.
24
October 1994 - Juanita moves in at age three and a half. She had had seven homes.
25
Juanita never stopped talking and moving.
30" 'There was so much pain going on inside that she wouldn't allow herself to feel it'.
Juanita being mistreated in her last foster home.
2.38 'She very much felt that she had been rescued by us'.
Juanita kept asking for a sibling. Applying for another child.
26
Another girl comes to live. She is mixed-race, 19 months old and has also been in foster homes since birth. New child resents Juanita and doesn't allow new father to take parental role.
27
August 1996 - legally adopted Maia. Have her Christened. Move to live in Glastonbury. Reluctantly leaving Birmingham because husband wanted to.
13" 'We lived in Smethwick and it was quite rough'.
1.13 - 1st November 1996 - Husband started a new job. Out of the blue says he is leaving.
28
Reasons for moving to Glastonbury. The trauma for the children of the father leaving. Children's behaviour became almost unmanageable. Finding this time almost unbearable.
2.37" 'I think what saved me was having counselling'. Was only charged £5 per session.
29
Juanita's first day at school in Glastonbury.
8" 'Mummy where are all the black people ?'.
Moving back to Birmingham.
30
False Start
31
1st March 1997 - 'moving back to Birmingham was hysterical'. First time using removal men. Left settee behind. Moved into a house in Northfield owned by sister-in-law, rent free. Juanita went to school in Moseley, but had to move to Kings Heath school because she was being bullied. Meeting a woman who came from a very similar background and becoming close friends. Problems with council housing when moving from Northfield.
32
Find house in Balsall Heath. Closest friend's daughter had heart surgery that went horribly wrong.
1.24 'Going through the infertility, going through the adoption assessments, having these two children come to live with us, the break-up of my marriage, moving back to Birmingham, being made homeless once, being in the same position again I just felt as if I had no fight left'.
Becoming ill - virus in brain. Getting flat in Moseley.
33
Children becoming more stable and feeling more secure. Maia becoming more happy within herself. Maia beginning to ask questions about her birth mother. Juanita thinking about her birth.
34
Wanting the children to have a period of stability before looking for their birth families.
35
Living on benefits.
20" 'A position I would never have imagined myself to be in'.
Being in a situation that would allow time to work.
48" 'I firmly believe that if a mother doesn't want to work she shouldn't have to'.
Since husband leaving finding herself in a much lower social situation. People constantly looking down at a single mother who doesn't work.
2.29 'No one ever said 'Well done for staying at home with your children''.
Having a lot of self-respect.
36
Advantages of not going back to work. Studying a course in counselling skills and then a course in reflexology. Meeting lots of people who are interested in alternative lifestyles. Not wanting children to have any extra carers. Staying at home as long as she feels the children still need her.
2.23 'and I don't really care what society thinks'.
ENDS |